dining out

Some advice when eating out. These are intended to be helpful guidelines for those of you who are unsure of what may be restaurant faux pas VS normal etiquette.

GENERAL

• Make a reservation, your bargaining power for table preferrence diminshes without one. My call: walking in and making demands is weak, call ahead, then be demanding.
  
• Utilize the restaurant's corkage fee (bringing your own bottle of wine for a small charge). Call ahead to inquire. However, it is considered faux pas to bring a bottle with you that the restaurant has on its wine list. My call: who cares, its your world, everyone else is just living in it.
• Despite the facial reaction you get from your server, it is ok to order just water as your beverage. My call: drink bottled or sparkling, you look more sophisticated, it's way cleaner and tastes better.
  
• When your check is discounted for whatever reason (coupon, hookup, etc.) always tip based from original total, not the discounted total. My call: makes logical sense.
• While were on the tipping subject, do NOT feel obligated to be generous with a server if your service was bad. It is your hard earned money; the least these guys/gals can do is earn it from you.
• On the flip side, if you are blown away by how well a server anticipates your needs and has the right answer for all of your questions, take care of him/her.
  
• If you order something that does not have a price next to it, and you neglect to inquire prior to making that order, you cannot bitch ex post facto. Caveat emptor. George Carlin once said, "the person who coined the term 'buyer beware', was probably bleeding from the asshole." My call: in any purchasing arena,you should always ask how much something costs.
  
• In general, try to enjoy your experience dining out. That's why you've gone out in the first place, least you can do is give it a shot. Let small slip ups roll off your shoulder, but certainly bring the big gaffs to someone's attention. This is America, heads gotta roll.
  

GROUP DINING

• Like many of you reading right now, this can go both ways:

1) You all order whatever the frig you want. When the bill comes you split it based on number of people.
2) Up front, you mention to the server the people that will be on each check. I stress up front here because if this is done ex post facto, you've now lost the ability to demand a separate check.
My call: #2 is best option because we all know how it works, someone gets screwed at the end even though the check was "split even." Also, John Doe had a steak and a martini, whilest Jane ordered 3 crutons, 1 leaf of romaine, and 9 ice cubes. Where's the fairness there I ask?

INDIVIDUAL DINING

• This will most likely not pertain to most of you because dining out alone is below you. For those that do choose the solo-dine, sit in or at the bar (if there is one). Don't be greedy and take up a whole table in a dining room because you have no friends. My call: also makes logical sense.

ORDERING TOGO
A lot of establishments offer the luxury of calling in your order ahead to pickup.

• Always check your order to make sure everything is accurate (just a big bitch if you've left and something is wrong.)
• Don't feel obligated to tip on take out, but certainly is a nice gesture and may expedite service on future orders.
  
• Expect the quality of the food ordered to be reduced the more time it takes between when it was prepared and when you consume it.

In conclusion, remember that these are only guidelines and of course you are free to do whatever you want when dining out. Just remeber though that your actions leave you open to mockery and/or judgment.

Schwartz---->