humor in misery? you decide...

Sunday, January 25th, 1:00am in the morning: I am tailed for a mile and pulled over by Hermosa's Finest. Apparently, I broke, and still am currently breaking the law by having tinted license plate covers.

Humor in misery? You decide...


Sunday, January 25th, 2:15am in the morning: My shower, located in the bathroom 3 feet from where I attempt to sleep, decides it wants to start dripping. Mind you, I've never heard this shower drip once since living in this house. Back to the actual drippage; it's one of those fast drips, like rapid fire drips. Every direction I move the shower head, drip. I did what any of you would do in this situation, I cursed, then disconnected the shower head completely, and left it for dead at the bottom of the shower.

Humor in misery? You decide...


Sunday, January 25th, sometime between 2:50 and 3:10am: Dripless sleep.

Sunday, January 25th, 9:36am: Incoming text from roommate "Hey James, I'm on my way to work, but I wanted to give you the heads up 'cause I know you work today, you have a flat tire. Back left." My text response, "FUCK, ok thanks for noticing and telling me."

Humor in misery? You decide...


Sunday, January 25th, 10:37am: I lift up my car with the jack, take off the flat, put on the "donut". I enjoy 2 eggo waffles, brush my teeth, wash my face, put deodorant on, wait, don't think I put it on now that I think about it, and drive to the tire store. 2 new tires, an alignment, new rear brakes, plus labor estimated @ $427

Humor in misery? You decide...


Sunday, January 25th 11:55pm: I blog to you after 10 hours worked on Sunday, the Lords day. Guess I forgot to pray or something last night.

Humor in misery? You decide...


I guess I'll look at the positive, my shower isn't dripping anymore and Mrs. Doubtfire is on.

Schwartz---->

wii

As is stands right now at 10:03 PM on a Monday night, I am watching 3 of my closest friends curse, laugh, scream, and argue as they play Mariocart for Wii. "I hate Peach" says one, "I think I hate her too" says another. "I just want to backhand and kick Peach" retorts the other.

1st to 8th because of a lighting bolt. 9th to 1st because of a star (need to know Mariocart to understand references) "Gun it, watch that turn, hit it baby, hit everybody in your way, just STAY on that road" Real words of encouragment usually held for commencement speeches at college graduation, yet spoken with such honesty and heartfelt devotion to a cause.

This has been going for hours, yet as I type to you silently, my desire to end this blog, rejoin the racing, and kick peaches ass, grows with every word. I truly think that I can put this blog on hold, go warm a bowl of chili and return without anyone noticing I've been gone..........................................................................................................................................Ok, I'm back, chili was good if you were wondering. "James, do you wanna play?" is asked of me. "Sure, next race, maybe I can kill peach" I reply.

curb west coast curbs

Am I the only east coaster to notice that curbs out here on the west coast, especially here in Southern California, are monstrous? And I carefully choose the word monstrous to describe these curbs because that is exactly what they are. They are huge, ugly, sharp-edged, overwhelming, unforgiving beasts that attack the rims and tires of our cars when we park. They attack our car doors, often times leading to scraping, and in extreme circumstances, forcing someone out of the car just to close the door.

I understand that my car is lower to ground than most, and that I can directly control the size of these huge ass curbs by owning a car higher off the ground. My point here is that I should not have to. These curbs have done more damage to my car then 4am drunken joyrides on the 710 Freeway have caused. (no I have not taken 4am drunken joyrides on the 710 for those concerned...........................most mid-morning joyrides are on the 110 Freeway)

Now that that is cleared up, what the hell?? I'm for smaller curbs and smaller government. I'm for smaller curbs and larger portion sizes at Outback Steakhouse. I'm for smaller curbs and larger salaries for start-up bloggers. I'm for smaller curbs and a smaller number of geese allowed to fly in the flight path of airplanes.

Schwartz---->

dining out

Some advice when eating out. These are intended to be helpful guidelines for those of you who are unsure of what may be restaurant faux pas VS normal etiquette.

GENERAL

• Make a reservation, your bargaining power for table preferrence diminshes without one. My call: walking in and making demands is weak, call ahead, then be demanding.
  
• Utilize the restaurant's corkage fee (bringing your own bottle of wine for a small charge). Call ahead to inquire. However, it is considered faux pas to bring a bottle with you that the restaurant has on its wine list. My call: who cares, its your world, everyone else is just living in it.
• Despite the facial reaction you get from your server, it is ok to order just water as your beverage. My call: drink bottled or sparkling, you look more sophisticated, it's way cleaner and tastes better.
  
• When your check is discounted for whatever reason (coupon, hookup, etc.) always tip based from original total, not the discounted total. My call: makes logical sense.
• While were on the tipping subject, do NOT feel obligated to be generous with a server if your service was bad. It is your hard earned money; the least these guys/gals can do is earn it from you.
• On the flip side, if you are blown away by how well a server anticipates your needs and has the right answer for all of your questions, take care of him/her.
  
• If you order something that does not have a price next to it, and you neglect to inquire prior to making that order, you cannot bitch ex post facto. Caveat emptor. George Carlin once said, "the person who coined the term 'buyer beware', was probably bleeding from the asshole." My call: in any purchasing arena,you should always ask how much something costs.
  
• In general, try to enjoy your experience dining out. That's why you've gone out in the first place, least you can do is give it a shot. Let small slip ups roll off your shoulder, but certainly bring the big gaffs to someone's attention. This is America, heads gotta roll.
  

GROUP DINING

• Like many of you reading right now, this can go both ways:

1) You all order whatever the frig you want. When the bill comes you split it based on number of people.
2) Up front, you mention to the server the people that will be on each check. I stress up front here because if this is done ex post facto, you've now lost the ability to demand a separate check.
My call: #2 is best option because we all know how it works, someone gets screwed at the end even though the check was "split even." Also, John Doe had a steak and a martini, whilest Jane ordered 3 crutons, 1 leaf of romaine, and 9 ice cubes. Where's the fairness there I ask?

INDIVIDUAL DINING

• This will most likely not pertain to most of you because dining out alone is below you. For those that do choose the solo-dine, sit in or at the bar (if there is one). Don't be greedy and take up a whole table in a dining room because you have no friends. My call: also makes logical sense.

ORDERING TOGO
A lot of establishments offer the luxury of calling in your order ahead to pickup.

• Always check your order to make sure everything is accurate (just a big bitch if you've left and something is wrong.)
• Don't feel obligated to tip on take out, but certainly is a nice gesture and may expedite service on future orders.
  
• Expect the quality of the food ordered to be reduced the more time it takes between when it was prepared and when you consume it.

In conclusion, remember that these are only guidelines and of course you are free to do whatever you want when dining out. Just remeber though that your actions leave you open to mockery and/or judgment.

Schwartz---->

thank you wikipedia

A blog (a contraction of the term "Web log") is a Web site, usually maintained by an individual with regular entries of commentary, descriptions of events, or other material such as graphics or video. Entries are commonly displayed in reverse-chronological order. "Blog" can also be used as a verb, meaning to maintain or add content to a blog.

This is literally how this process works: My brain cells formulate ridiculous opinions and ideas. The only way to force them out of my head so that I can maintain some form of sanity is to type them, proofread them on occasion, then post them for you all to judge to me. In essence, I write, you read, you pass judgment. Due to my mild, yet persistent narcissism, I only truly care about the "I write" aspect of blogging because it frees my brain space. The "You Read" and "You Pass Judgment" aspects are for you. Enjoy, criticize, despise, laugh at, cry, or skim through and move on with your life. For those that would like me to continue, let me know by becoming one of my blog followers. For those that have already passed judgment, oh well, go to YouTube and watch a car door get ripped off by a motorcycle or go to StarBucks for a $5 cup of shit.

Despite my cynicism, I am an eternal optimist if you know me, so I wish all of you a Happy New Year and the best for '09. Continue to check back from time to time as I blow off some steam, tell a joke, or share my opinions (facts) with you.

Schwartz----->

mushrooms and mustard

Mushrooms and Mustard are both filthy, nasty, and nauseating parts of most of your diets. Ever wonder why your girlfriend cheated on you, why your boyfriend would rather play video games then converse with you, why you got a flat tire for no reason, why you woke up late for work and your alarm clock was flashing 12:00, 12:00, 12:00, why the post office line is only long when you're there, why your boss works less and makes more than you, or how chapstick ended up in your dryer, ruining that batch of laundry????

I know why. It is because you choose to allow Mushrooms and/or Mustard to taint the very things in your lives that would otherwise remain stable without them. I urge you to take these things out of your life, not partially, not short-term, but forever. Allow good things to happen for once. I promise you will see changes. What's the worst thing that will occur? You'll be mushroom and mustard free. A win win.

On a side note, I do not work for the Anti Mushroom and Mustard Lobbying Group. Not yet, anyways.

Try it. Or continue your miserable existences.

Schwartz---->